Who Is in Control?
by Lif61
Summary: Sam struggles with what he's been experiencing since he left school to go hunting with Dean. Sure, hunting monsters is hard, but it's a whole lot easier than dealing with the truth. He never thought he'd end up feeling so helpless, and would be violated over and over again. I WILL NOT CONTINUE THIS STORY SEEING AS I AM FAR TOO BUSY WITH OTHER STORIES.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is something I decided to write as a study of who Sam is as a character, especially when it comes to the many undesirable situations he ends up in. This story will be dark and sad, and it deals with topics such as sexual assault, sexual harassment, and possession. Physical details, however, will not be paid attention to as much. It's the emotions that are the heart of the story. So nothing graphic.**

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 **Episode: 1x01 - "Pilot"**

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 ** _1_**

Jessica's death, though heartbreaking, kept Sam from thinking over what had happened with the Woman in White. Dean noticed that he was grieving longer than expected, but Sam wanted it that way. His grief was a barrier, shielding him from contemplating what had been done to him.

The thoughts laid siege to his mind, testing the strength of the barrier, but never breaking through… until one day there was a crack from the inside; Dean. Dean had caused the abhorrent thoughts to flow forth in a tidal wave. He had once again urged Sam to move on, to actually get laid for goddamn once. And that's all it took.

Memories of that night burned in his mind. There was no escaping the images of Constance climbing on top of him, straddling him, her ghostly body cold even through his layers of clothing. Maybe most men would feel genuine desire from having such a beautiful looking woman grinding against them, but it had turned Sam's stomach. He hadn't wanted her to touch him in such a way. He had tried to keep his body under control, but it was no use. Somewhere in his head he knew it wasn't his fault. However, that didn't change the fact that Constance had judged his unwelcome physical reaction as an act of unfaithfulness. And that's what it'd felt like. It felt like he'd been forced to betray Jess, the woman who he'd been prepared to spend the rest of his life with.

Sam knew the best thing to do would be to work through how he felt about that night; he just didn't know how. His thoughts were too conflicting.

It was his fault.

It wasn't his fault.

He'd cheated on Jess.

He'd been… he didn't even want to think the word.

The hunting life helped him push the chaos to the side to be dealt with later. And when would later be? Most likely never. Sam was too uncomfortable to want to delve into those thoughts and feelings again. So he hunted, he made himself forget about it. He told himself he was okay. He had to be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Episode: 1x16 - "Shadow"**

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 _ **2**_

Meg disgusted Sam. She frightened him. Sure she was a demon, a murderer, but more than that… she had touched him. Before, when he had been getting to know Meg - or so he had thought – he'd liked her, been attracted to her, even.

And then she had taken those emotions and used them, cruelly twisted them into something evil. He felt like he'd never be able to wipe away the unwanted kisses she'd given him.

Sam thought maybe talking about it would help, but he always held back. Dean wouldn't understand, either that, or he didn't want to understand. Truth be told, Sam wished he could be just as ignorant.

Thinking of those horrible minutes in the warehouse with Meg drained him of much needed energy. Just like with the Woman in White, he tried to brush it off to the side, but it permeated his thoughts for days, weeks.

He remembered. Remembered how helpless he'd felt, restrained, unable to get away as she had advanced on him. Unable to fight back when her lips had touched his. Unable to come up with a good argument when she'd taunted him about how he'd felt about her.

Helplessness wasn't a new feeling for him, but he realized, it was something he was beginning to experience far too often.


	3. Chapter 3

**Episode: 2x14 - "Born Under a Bad Sign"**

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 _ **3**_

Sam was lost in his head, only able to watch as Meg rode around in him like it was a free for all. He'd been unable to protest when she drank and smoked, tarnishing his body, unable to stop her from toying with Dean's emotions, unable to do anything when she had used his body to assault Jo, unable to stop her from shooting his brother.

 _Unable…_

The ordeal was worse than a nightmare because it had been real.

Being possessed had made him feel dark, unclean. And there was no wiping away the mark it had left on him. There'd been a vile presence in him, taking up space in his head, forcefully accessing thoughts and memories that she had no right to. They were his and his alone. Or so he had thought.

In that time, Meg had used his body, had grown to know it as intimately as he himself did. Such a thing was _wrong_. He felt deeply violated. And what had Dean done after they'd gotten Meg out of him? He'd punched him. He'd joked.

So now, Sam felt very weak and alone. He had no one to turn to. And maybe Dean was right. Maybe he should just stop being a wimp and move on, forget about it.

He knew it would take some time, but he eventually decided to file the horrendous experience under things he never wanted to think about again. Those thoughts and memories were a secret part of his mind that he kept locked away. He was usually successful at holding them back, but whenever a new experience got added to the now-growing list, they broke through again, overwhelming him.

For now, forcing the memories of being possessed into that chest with the other unspeakable memories was a battle that took a toll on him. Sometimes he wanted to give up. Surely it'd just be easier to let it consume him.

But, life would be more miserable then, wouldn't it? And Dean would be ashamed of him. He couldn't let Dean down. He couldn't let himself down. So Sam kept fighting.


	4. Chapter 4

**Episode: 2x21 - "All Hell Breaks Loose: Part I"**

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 _ **4**_

So he hadn't been touched again in a way he hadn't wanted, but Sam still felt deeply violated. Could feel it to his core, poisoning him. _Azazel_ had done this to him. Had dripped his own blood into Sam's mouth when he was a baby.

How could he? How could he do something so vile?

Sam had thought he'd understood the term demon before, but now he really did. Demons were more evil than he had at first comprehended. His view of them had changed, his view of the world. There was much more evil out there than anyone could possibly imagine. And Sam was smack in the middle of it. He was part of it.

Even now as he sat amongst a group of Azazel's other victims he felt darkness in him. He was wary, knowing what part of the yellow-eyed demon's plan was, but the others didn't look evil to him. Most of them had never intentionally hurt anyone, or had even wanted to. Sam, well, he was a different story. He'd spent his life training to hurt, to hunt, to kill. Sure, he hadn't been trained to do so with people, but making the switch wouldn't be difficult at all, and that's what he was worried about.

None of this had been his choice. All his life he'd felt different, and now he knew why. He knew what terrible thing had been done to him without his consent. He knew of the evils out there, the monsters in the dark. And he was one of them.


	5. Chapter 5

**Episode: 3x06 - "Red Sky At Morning"**

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 _ **5**_

Again. It'd happened _again_. Sam was starting to have a difficult time filing the memories away. He didn't understand why this sort of thing kept happening to him. Was it his fault? It had to be. Sam was the main factor that remained a constant in all these situation, so he couldn't come up with any other reason. Was it the way he dressed? The way he talked? The way he moved? Did he have to change himself in order to avoid unwanted attention?

He didn't want to change himself, but he didn't want to be touched either.

Dean had joked so much about that vile old woman Gertrude. Sam had tried to brush it off, and Dean seemed to think he had, so that was good. But that didn't change the fact that she had disturbed him. Sam wasn't sure he'd ever be comfortable around old people again.

Embarrassment and shame flooded him, trying to break through the dam he'd established in his mind to hold the emotions back. But the memories refused to be filed away with the others just yet, and the dam broke, cracking and then the water rushed through in an angry torrent, tearing down everything in its path as it swept by.

Early in the morning when Dean was still asleep, Sam would go for walks to try and get away. To allow himself the space he needed to feel his emotions.

And when the dam burst, he cried.

The flow of his tears helped bring the angry rush down to a trickle. He rebuilt the dam, stronger this time, and he filed the memory away.

Hopefully this would be the last one. It was getting too full for his liking in there.


	6. Chapter 6

**Episode: 3x16 - "No Rest for the Wicked"**

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 _ **6**_

There were too many emotions going through his head to make sense of. Grief very nearly overtook everything, but there was still room for him to think back on what Lilith had done to him. He hadn't just been afraid for his brother in that moment, and part of him felt guilty for that. He'd been afraid for himself. Sam didn't feel like he had the right to that emotion.

It'd only been a kiss. A stupid, little kiss. He was pissed at himself for getting so worked up about it. Yes, he'd been against the wall, unable to move due to Lilith's powers, and yes, she'd kissed him when he hadn't wanted it, had touched him when he hadn't wanted it, but that was nothing compared to getting torn apart by Hellhounds.

Surely it was nothing compared to that. But he remained fixated on the terrible memory, unable to come to terms with it. At the time he hadn't even been able to look at Lilith. He was too ashamed.

Before, she'd been just a frightening name, and then she'd _touched him_.

And he remembered what she had said to him. Four awful words, " _Your lips are soft._ " She had no right to even know that, no right to comment on that moment he'd been forced into. No right to do anything to him.

Yes, there'd been times when he'd felt desire for Ruby, but Lilith hadn't been her, and he hadn't consented to that.

No matter which way he thought about it, Sam was weak for letting the moment bother him. He was weak for being unable to fight back. He was weak for being unable to save his brother. He was weak for everything. So weak. He'd always be weak.


	7. Chapter 7

**Episode: 4x09 - "I Know What You Did Last Summer"**

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 _ **7**_

Ruby. That name meant so many things to Sam. It was the name of a demon, the name of his lover, the name of his addiction, the name of…

No, she wasn't that.

Was she?

He'd enjoyed himself, but…

He hadn't wanted it.

He'd told her no.

She hadn't cared.

But it didn't matter. It shouldn't matter. They were together now. She'd saved his life, so surely if she wanted him, it was her right to have him.

And maybe he _had_ wanted it. Sam could've fought her off if he'd wanted to, but he hadn't.

Why hadn't he?

If he accepted that that's what had happened to him, he wasn't sure he'd be able to cope with the shame. It would mean he'd been taken advantage of by a petite woman. He'd fought monsters, monsters that were bigger than him, but against her he'd been helpless. It would mean that he was weak, pathetic.

But wasn't he?

This wasn't the first time someone had touched him without his consent, but it'd been the first…

Then why did he keep going back to her?

Was it because of the succulent taste of her blood? The powerful thrill he felt from taking her strength from her?

Was it the way she made his heart race? The way she pleasured and satisfied him?

He told himself it was because he needed her in order to stop the apocalypse before it began.

God, he was lying to himself, but facing the truth was something he couldn't do. So soon after Dean's death, he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready for any of this. He wasn't ready to accept that Ruby had wrongly touched him. He wasn't ready to accept that she would do such a thing. He wasn't ready to accept how truly pathetic he was.

Sam had argued with himself, had tried convincing himself to leave Ruby, but he couldn't. He needed her. He loved her.


	8. Chapter 8

**Episode: 4x14 - "Sex and Violence"**

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 _ **8**_

It was the little things, just like Dean had said – the little things. It was the way they avoided eye contact after talking about the siren, the awkward tension, like there were things left unsaid, and things that wouldn't be forgotten.

" _You know, those sirens are nasty things. That it got to ya – that's no reason to feel bad._ "

Bobby's words.

Sam appreciated that Bobby always seemed to say the right thing, that he cared. And he wanted to believe what he'd told him. He did. But that didn't stop him from feeling guilty for what he'd said to Dean, for hurting him. That didn't stop him from feeling ashamed.

Sure, he hadn't fallen under the siren's spell the way the other victims had, and for that he was grateful. But then again, maybe being restrained by his brother while a monster literally spit into his mouth had been worse. It hadn't been consensual. It wasn't sex, but Sam was sick of things happening to him and being done to him against his will. It hadn't yet reached a point that he couldn't come back from. Not yet, but he worried that someday it would.

At least Sam knew that what had happened wasn't Dean's fault. After all, he'd felt the effects himself. But that didn't erase his memories, didn't erase the lingering anger that just couldn't be helped.

Or the shame.

Maybe if he hadn't been hooking up with Cara he would've paid more attention. Maybe he would've been able to avoid falling under the siren's spell. Maybe he wouldn't have wanted to kill Dean just so he could be with someone else, a monster. Maybe, he was confused and frustrated because of the irony of the situation; the irony that he did have feelings for a monster, a demon. Ruby.

Sam's head was a whirlwind of unpleasant emotions as Dean drove them out of Bedford, Iowa. Shame, guilt, anger. For now he decided to forget about it all. Hopefully his brother would too.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: You probably noticed that I changed the title of this story. I have done so because now it is no longer strictly focusing on the times Sam has been sexually harassed and abused, and is now dealing with the lack of control in his life as well.**

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 **Episode: 4x18 - "The Monster at the End of This Book"**

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 _ **9**_

The day Sam met Chuck Shurley was the worst he'd had in a while. For one, he didn't like Dean easily believing Chuck that he was going to sleep with Lilith just because she was a demon. It seemed like he thought that he had a demon fetish or something, which he _definitely_ did not. But he supposed it was just like Dean to not try and understand.

The second reason was Chuck questioning him about his intentions with drinking demon blood. What Sam hadn't liked about it was the fact that it got him thinking, sent his thoughts down a dark path that he often visited. And more than that, what he'd said, about him doing it because he felt in control… Sam wasn't entirely sure he was wrong. Over the years control was beginning to be something he seriously lacked.

Which brought him to the third reason that day sucked. He'd had to allow Lilith to touch him. Maybe some men would get an adrenaline rush from having their enemy - who did look rather attractive, Sam had to admit - touch them in such a way, but Sam didn't. He despised it. It made him remember the time she'd kissed him without his consent, made him think about Dean seeming to believe he'd screw every female demon that so much as went near him, made him think about his complicated feelings for Ruby. And what was worse, was that he had tried controlling the situation, he really had, and he'd failed.

Did that mean he would always fail? That he'd always be controlled by other beings and outside forces? That he'd continue to have his emotions and sexual desires used against him?

Perhaps what was so unsettling about that day were the implications about what his future would be like.

But Sam couldn't let that come to pass. He was going to kill Lilith, no matter what it took.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: For those of you reading _Deathless_ I have been working on chapter 30, but right now I can't exactly type that well. The only reason I'm able to update this story is because it's shorter, so I've been writing it in google docs on my phone.**

 **Episode: 4x19 - "Jump the Shark"**

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 _ **10**_

Sam supposed he should be used to getting tied up by now. But he had too many negative connotations with it, some that went beyond torture. He couldn't help but remember the times he'd been restrained and had had his emotions toyed with, or been touched unwillingly. In a way, this time had been no different.

Windom, Minnesota – a place he never wanted to go back to. There were too many things that had happened there in such a short time: finding out he and Dean had a brother that their father had actually been a real dad to (at least more than he had been for them), dealing with the hurt and jealousy it brought up, arguing with Dean about Adam, discovering that Adam was dead and had been dead for at least a week, the ghouls tying him up and taking their time with him…

Upon waking up tied to the table Sam had felt betrayal, until he'd realized that the young man he'd been talking to hadn't actually been his brother. He just wore his face. And he'd used it to taunt him. It hurt in a subconscious, instinctual way when the ghoul had dug his finger in the wound in his side, burrowing deeper. It had brought Sam more than just physical pain because even though he knew that thing hadn't been Adam, it certainly looked like him.

But what was worse was the ghoul's sister. She seemed to take pleasure in his discomfort from being touched. She'd even let out quiet, delighted laughs when he'd turned his head away from her or tried to escape from her curious hands and mouth. She hadn't just sliced into him with knives he had (which would've been preferable). She'd breathed in his scent, sucked on his ear, caressed his face, ran the blade teasingly up and down his chest; touched him as if she had the right to.

Sam couldn't help but think that she'd been playing with her food. The thought made him sick to his stomach. But, just like his other memories of being touched against his will, he locked it away, because it surely didn't matter. None of it mattered. If he let himself feel fear or pain over it then surely he'd be weak. He couldn't be weak. He'd already been weak too many times in his life.


End file.
